Back Attack

Hellooo!

Yes, I know. I'm a terrible keeper of the blogs but in my defense, Ive been in a bit of a slump since February that I'm finally breaking out of and due to some requests[not many but one is enough!] I've decided to come back and post something that will hopefully get me in the column mood once more!


Earlier this month, two of my best friends flew off to Pennsylvania [without me haha] to work at a summer camp and another one of my best girls is leaving for Montanna, for a more permanent stay and it all got me thinking about keeping in touch.

How many people have we known in our lives that we swore we would never forget? How many people were we friends with two years, two weeks or even two days ago that we aren't friends with now? Basically... what's with all the drama?

Some people attribute lack of relationships to a dwindling effort in communication.. to that I say- Maybe you guys weren't really friends to begin with. Communication is the basis of any realtionship of any kind and I can't seem to understand why it's terribly hard on either end of the party for someone to pick up a pencil and paper and write "Hey, how are you?"

With all the technological outlets we have these days, it seems slightly incredulous that our relationships have in fact seemed to dissapate instead of soar. I can't help but wonder if maybe our relationships with ourselves and our natural animalistic insticts along with humanisitic feelings have only made the technological golden age the age of rejection.

Instead of using these amazing advancements in science and life to our benefit, I've found that more often than not we use it to hurt each other for the benefit of a minute's satisfaction of reveling in someone else's pain.

I'd be lying if I said that I never called someone a slut or a bitch or told someone to fuck off through the internet, text message or just to their face- or that people had never done it to me. But maybe that's the price I pay for being the way I am?

Is it the technology that makes us so disconnected or are we so disconnected that we only know how to use technology as a weapon?

Signs

You can wake up.
At ANY moment.

Hallelujah

I am a student sitting in the class of my least favorite subject. Subsequently, this is the longest class in my schedule. The professor is reviewing the syllabus but I can’t be bothered to try to understand what he’s trying to say. He has an accent and I have no paper in front of me to read along with. This room has two doors, about 20 yards of chalkboard and no windows. There’s a yellowish glow reflected on everything. It mixes with the greens and blacks of the boards. I feel like I’m in an underground holding center cleverly placed underneath a pond to disguise it’s presence. I look around the room and I am the only blonde with a lion on her chest.

Actually, I am the only blonde.

I’m not a natural blonde but who’s natural anyways anymore. I can’t help but wonder if me being the only contrast against the drab browns and blacks is a metaphor for life and I wonder if I’m the only person who has a spark or a flare or even passion.

I am the only person writing. I continually pause in case my accented and short professor notices and says something. Although I doubt it would matter. This is college after all and we are old enough to make our own choices, which is ironic because no matter what the age, no one ever makes their own choices. I wonder if my note taking would be seen as a distraction and then I wonder if my hair is a distraction and then of course, I wonder if I am distraction.

I probably am.

The longer I sit in this room, the longer I feel like these yellow walls are sucking me away. I really hate it when teachers don’t have a syllabus to give me. Without it I feel like I’m just here, wasting my time and if I wanted to be wasting my time I could think of about a hundred other places I’d rather be. I wonder if I’ll ever make it to a 4 year. Every time I’m at school and not paying attention to what accented short people are saying I fall into reverie, mostly about college. I have two folders for school. One says T-TH in pink and one says MW in yellow. I’m more than slightly upset that I have to add a yellow f to the yellow MW which makes me more eager to swim away from the math pond. I spent hours creating the perfect schedule, only to have it ruined by a computer glitch.

Accented short man has penmanship that is remarkably similar to my mother’s. My leg is hurting again. I wonder what I would be like with only one leg. I wonder how badly it would hurt to chop it off. Maybe I’ll pull a grandpa and take a chainsaw to it. But that’s not fair. Grandpa didn’t mean to kill himself. It’s all a big accident. We’ll be starting chapter one in ten minutes. I can never decide if the beginning … is just another ending.

Turn a Square

I was reading something earlier that said something along the lines of 'If you're an insomniac, you're never really awake and you're never really asleep'. And so I got to thinking, as I so often do... and I don't think that I've ever heard a truer statement.

Insomniatic- [I really hope that's a word.] tendencies change everything about a person. Sleep affects so much and as an insomniac I know how hard it is trying to adjust to a place that almost completely exists in a 9-5 world. I can't help but wonder if maybe I can't sleep because I'm supposed to see the world differently. I don't know if I'd be able to think the way that I do and feel the way that I feel if I had a regular sleep schedule. If I slept when everyone else did, I wouldn't more write half the things I've written, I wouldnt have those deep existential tangos with friends and foes, I wouldnt dye my hair, I wouldn't be me.

If I wasn't more or less ... an insomniac, I wouldn't be even a fraction of myself, I can't help but wonder who that other person is. It's like there's more than just myself. I... as me exist on this one level and I as she... exist on another. And the only place we meet is in our dreams. I don't think that I'm better or worse than anyone else in the world, but I do feel like I'm different so while I may never be truly awake or truly asleep and will always wonder with either would feel like I know that I'm alive.

And that makes me happy.

To Find A Mortal,

All you have to do is follow their dreams. That's where they always escape too.
Quote compliments of Charmed!

It's been quite a while since my last post anddd I guess it's just been because from then to now I've been in this funky kind of place and I heard that quote up above today, while I was watching season 2 of charmed!!! [superfan!] It got me thinking, but then again, what doesn't haha.

Every life has their ups and downs and every life has their secret places, whether they might be in your head or made up of an actual physical compostion, every life has some place and a lot of times those places are reminsicent of their dreams, maybe a park that reminds them of Neverland or a home within a favorite song.

I've been wondering about what happens to those who lose their way. To those who can't remember their dreams anymore or remember what they've worked for or what they want. I wonder if they're miserable because maybe they dont have any place, real or imaginary to escape too. I mean do the lost wander? Are they actually lost... do they float on? Are they free?

Are the dreamers the ones who hold themselves captives in worlds that they may never be able to reach? And more importantly... do I fit into either of those categories... do I need too.



To conclude this post, I'd like to end with on of my more recent poem/song things. It's among the sadder of the words I've written, but to anyone who reads this, I hope you enjoy it and can maybe relate to it just the same.

Sticks and Stones

This fight is never won
The circle is never done
The infinity we create it never ceases to amaze.
I’ll grab the remote to control the volume
Of your hollering and screeches down the hall
I’ll walk slow and I’ll walk softly
Invisibly attached to the wall.

I never know what comes next.
If I should digress or accept.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
But your words always haunt me.

I’ll sleep all through my mornings
And I’ll lie all day in my room.
Hiding away in my cocoon
I try to dress up pretty
Just to make you smile or wink at me
But I’ll just mix up my words
And you’ll throw daggers in turns.

I’ll stand quiet, wont make a sound
Try to skate all around
The problem is here
But my feet are always too dirty
My socks never clean enough to wear
My clothes don’t fit right
And my hair’s up too tight
So I guess I’ll just lay down and lose the fight.

I’ll read your accusations through your frowns
And wait to see you when you were free.
But I never what comes next
If I should digress or accept
Sticks and stones may break my bones
But your words will always haunt me.

I’ll wince once for the blow
And cry all alone
As I lie down and let you just take over.



[p.s] I'm not always this sad...haha just the past few days.

Am I beautiful?

Am I usable?

I can't help but wonder, if we dress ourselves up, personality and aesthetics alike to help ease the letdown that we all expect. It's so rare to see a genuinely happy person anymore, and if you do see one, you wonder what's wrong with them. 

What the hell is wrong with us?

How did we get here? 

To this place where happiness isn't even accessible enough to be second string, it's more along the lines of 9th or 10th. This may be more of an extreme generalization than I'm making it sound but the truth is that I see so much let down and hurt in every day and I can't help but wonder if maybe we set ourselves up for it, if maybe, by always accepting the hurt and the letdowns and the fuck ups, we damn ourselves to a life less frightening which in turn creates a routine of predictability... of always just accepting.

We're taught as young girls that if a boy hits you or teases you, he likes you. But what if he just likes hitting and teasing you?  We're conditioned to believe this nonsense of settling down and accepting resignation. I wonder, if we stopped accepting the anger and the hate and the mediocre, if we could change ourselves. But then I wonder, do we need a change at all or are we not only content but happy with living in this bubble.

When it comes to live and actually living ... do we dress up to stay down?

Orange Juice

I'm back!

It has a been a while yes, I know, but I was just struck by idea lightning in the midst of a conversation with a friend about yet another friend. This seems to be a situation I often find myself in. I'd like to be clear in saying, that that does not always translate to talking shit, more often than not, it translates into just talking about your life and those involved in it, but the occasional shit talking does come into play.

However, for today's post that's not it. I have a friend, who I used to be ridiculously close with and stuff happens, as it so often does and we drifted and fought and drifted and fought and so on, until we were no more apart of each other's life than a picture on Myspace. But recently, we've come back into each other's life and have been talking and everything we had problems about seems to have come full circle, in that all the conflict has been mended. And so now everyone we all used to hang out with, wants to start hanging out again and up until this point I've been pretty okay with the whole situation, but now I'm not sure and it's got me thinking, what does it take to not just be a friend, but stay a friend?

I'm not sure how I feel about this whole lets be friends again situations because first of all, its like I'm watching my life on repeat over and over. I can't help but to not trust her, or her offer for a renewed friendship. I mean this person especially has quite an extreme tact for lying, when we were close, I watched and even helped her lie to everyone and anyone she came face to face with and although it didn't exactly bother me then, having her out of my life and out of my system for a while really opened up my eyes to the dysfunction that we had.

She's been through a lot in her short life, but I don't think that what you've been through is an excuse for ridiculous behavior. I believe that in every aspect of every day life, you have a choice and it is up to you and only you to decide what do with that choice. That's all life is, one big decision. 

And it's not so much just an issue with this friend, this whole situation has just got me thinking, how do you know when you're still friends because you love each other or because its habitual.

I'm lucky enough to have the same like core group of about 6 people, that I've known and been friends with for the greater part of my life and with that comes a great sense of security. But I've battled with them too and I think because we've all been friends for so long now, that we've done every hurtful thing we could think when we were younger. I can honestly say, that even with the few slightly superficial current issues I have right now, with some of my life long friends, I've never felt more stable or happy in the relationships that we all have. 

I'm not in high school anymore and I'm not looking for anymore high school drama and its such a relief to finally be at a place with my friends where we can talk about anything and we wont set each other off because we finally have some sense of who we are and what we want to become. So with that happiness comes the question, as we grow up and our lives mature, is there any room for new friends or are we just welcoming new drama?

Current Playlist:

Spit and Fire- Rainer Maria

Sunday- Sia

Same Blood- The Academy Is

Fever- Peggy Lee

This Conversation- The Submarines

Somewhere Beyond The Sea- Frank Sinatra

Buried A Lie- Senses Fail

Love Me Like You- The Magic Numbers

Glow- Katy Rose

The Resolution

As and addition slash follow up to my blog on New Year's Resolutions:

I complain about them and try my best to not actually make any, but through the day I still think, this year Im going to dot dot dot.

And I feel like its because we've been conditioned to keep doing that, but as much as I try not too, it seems like I just fall deeper into that particular rabbit hole and then I'm left wondering, if there's ever any real hope for an unconditioned way of life.

Handsssss UP

I want to talk about religion today. Tricky topic I know. But I was recently sent this quote, by Daisaku Ikeda, a very prominent figure in Buddhism for those of you who aren't familiar with it, and it got me thinking about how disconnected I, personally am when it comes to religion. 

I am not a Buddhist, I am not a Christian, I am not Jewish, I am not a Muslim. I have no real religious affiliations. I wouldn't go far enough to call myself an atheist, because I'm not. I believe that there is SOMETHING out there, I'm just not sure what it might be. So I guess if I had to be labeled, I would be an agnostic. But that's where a big bulk of my problem with religious ambiguity lies, I do not want to be labeled. 

I do not want to be lumped into a group that says, this is what we are, this is how we define ourselves, this is what we believe in and this is how we live our lives.

No.

No thank you. 

I have no problem with other people finding religious connections with their gods, and their families and friends and sects and whatever it is they believe in. I am in no way religiously prejudiced, but I still have trouble understanding what faith is. And I know that one can never fully understand any one religious sect unless they are whole heartedly thrust within it. So that's my catch 22, I want to understand without being the middle. I guess you could call me holistic. 

I think that my problem is, I don't trust religion. Because it's become this emphatic... thing, where it seems like everything is predetermined and god this and god that. I don't believe that. And I don't believe in blood shed in the name of someone else, God and human alike. Yes, I am speaking in a ridiculously general sense here but the basic fundamentals don't change.

I don't trust religion, because of the people who call themselves religious. 

It should never be a question of God's Will.

It should always be your will. If your God's are truly as magnificent and glory worthy as everyone makes them sound, then gay people should have the right to be married. A Christian should have the right to marry a Jew. The middle east should be able to sleep soundly for one night and so on and so on. I don't believe that Religion should dictate anything, I believe that it should be there to support you, when you need it, because you want it's help. 

"Religion should bring us together, but it is exploited by some to crete greater schisms among us. Nothing could be more unfortunate. Religion must always be for the people. People do not exist for the sake of religion. This must be the fundamental guideline of the twenty-first century."- Daisaku Ikeda

I am not a Buddhist, but as of my tumultuous 2007 and 2008, I've become very accustomed to its teachings and practices. My mother has become a Buddhist and her best friend, Diane, who I live with has been a Buddhist for 20  or so years. I'm still not a religious person, but I am a very spiritual one, which I think can be done regardless of religious views. The quote above, said by Daisaku Ikeda, really speaks to me. I whole heartedly agree with it. 

I think if I had to be anything, I would be a Buddhist.

But for now, I'll stick with being a curious and eager to learn 19 year old, asking questions like, "When it comes to religion vs. religion, will the war ever end?"

The Scarlett Syndrome

 

Scarlett O'Hara, is probably one of the most iconic figures in history, and the most hated. But I don't care what anyone says, Scarlett is one of my favorite characters and people in history. She's a damsel in distress, she's manipulative, she's scared, she's scary, she's beautiful, she's strong, she's stubborn and she is the emulative woman of the old south. 

She's such a striking character and I think even without Melanie Hamilton by her side to balance out her intense nature, she would still be an amazing figure. I wonder who the Scarlett's of today are and if they take as much as from the original as I do. 

Gone With The Wind is one of my favorite films and I can't help but feel more than connected to Scarlett every time I watch it. I can understand and empathize with her attitude and every decision that she makes. She's as petty as she is determined which is so funny and almost refreshing.

Hmm. 

Current Playlist:

Same Blood- The Academy Is

It's So Noisy At The Circus- Head Like A Kite

Love Me Like You- The Magic Numbers

Lies- Save Ferris

We Are All Colors- Fever Marlene

Hammers And Strings- Jack's Mannequin

We Are The Same Blood

Have you ever been in a situation where you were the other woman, or man or basically just the other?

How many times, have you known love or just a  general relationship to die because of a third parties involvement? Whether it be a secret partner, meddling friends or an overbearing family... how many lines are okay to cross when you're on the outside?

I just had a friend of mine tell me that we couldn't talk anymore, because his girlfriend wasn't okay with it. I hadn't really thought of myself as the other woman, but thinking back, if it had been me as his girlfriend and she as the girl he was texting, I would have felt extremely justified in telling him to say goodbye. 

I knew he had a girlfriend, and although we flirted here and there, it never really seemed relevant to me, because I had no intention to be with him or take him from her. We did talk about sex and I may have crossed a line in one or two situations, but is it the fault of the partner or the other when all is said and done?

Is the line small enough to wear you can only see it in the distance and only if you're using binoculars...or is it thick as a wall positioned directly in front of our eyes. Although we didn't do much more than tease each other here and there, I can't help but feel guilty for talking to him in general. I can't figure out if his girlfriend is justified in wanting him to stop talking to other girls or if she's just insecure.

When it comes to relationships and friends... is there an unwritten rule that says we can only have one or the other?

I Would Like To Climb

New Years Resolutions.

I'm only 19 and I feel like I have lived a thousand years because I hear so many of these, and not just during January but all the year long. I'm curious as to why and how they've become prevalent in modern day society. 

I guess that it's really not that far fetched to assume that the quest for a better sense of perfection is one of the biggest supporters of the New Year's Resolution. 

I've made them before too, but I stopped when I realized I was never, in the entire year making any effort towards actually keeping a resolution. I can't help but wonder if the reason, we have such a hard time keeping them is because  we make it something we have to do instead of something that we want to do. I mean sure, on NYE, everyone says, "This year, I want to do this and this and that that" but its never really an actual drive to want to do something, because its manifested by more of a cultural need. 

I read somewhere that I think over at least 80 percent of New Year's Resolutions begin with "I want to lose weight." This, by now, really shouldn't baffle me, but it honestly does. I can't understand why women and men today feel so inferior to the literal fraction of size zeroes in the world. I've battled with self esteem for a long time and I'm not a size zero, I'm no where near that, and while I've wanted to be thinner, I have never once wanted to look like someone else. I always just wanted to be a better version of myself, which I'm still working on.  People are beautiful, from zeroes to 26's. It's all relative. 

New Year's Resolutions...

Are they here to help us or hurt us?

Current Playlist:

Summerboy- Lady Gaga

Water Of Gods- The Changes

Khemitones- Fever Marlene

Emergency [live]-Paramore

Too Pretty- Simon Wilcox

I Could Be Happy- Altered Images

The Meteor Cycle Society

Hello all!

My first post for Teal and Macaroni.

I'm quite excited about the title and only wish I had something of interest to write about. 

I think my agenda will be to pick a topic and rant and rant and rant! 

good or bad.

I will welcome all feedback, hate or love.

Although, to be honestly, I much prefer love.

I want Teal and Macaroni to be a place of truth.

I want to sing the world a song and have them sing it back to me.

I want to hear what everyone has to say

and I want you to hear me. 

Come in, look around.

Let's talk. 

I'm ready to listen.