Am I beautiful?

Am I usable?

I can't help but wonder, if we dress ourselves up, personality and aesthetics alike to help ease the letdown that we all expect. It's so rare to see a genuinely happy person anymore, and if you do see one, you wonder what's wrong with them. 

What the hell is wrong with us?

How did we get here? 

To this place where happiness isn't even accessible enough to be second string, it's more along the lines of 9th or 10th. This may be more of an extreme generalization than I'm making it sound but the truth is that I see so much let down and hurt in every day and I can't help but wonder if maybe we set ourselves up for it, if maybe, by always accepting the hurt and the letdowns and the fuck ups, we damn ourselves to a life less frightening which in turn creates a routine of predictability... of always just accepting.

We're taught as young girls that if a boy hits you or teases you, he likes you. But what if he just likes hitting and teasing you?  We're conditioned to believe this nonsense of settling down and accepting resignation. I wonder, if we stopped accepting the anger and the hate and the mediocre, if we could change ourselves. But then I wonder, do we need a change at all or are we not only content but happy with living in this bubble.

When it comes to live and actually living ... do we dress up to stay down?

Orange Juice

I'm back!

It has a been a while yes, I know, but I was just struck by idea lightning in the midst of a conversation with a friend about yet another friend. This seems to be a situation I often find myself in. I'd like to be clear in saying, that that does not always translate to talking shit, more often than not, it translates into just talking about your life and those involved in it, but the occasional shit talking does come into play.

However, for today's post that's not it. I have a friend, who I used to be ridiculously close with and stuff happens, as it so often does and we drifted and fought and drifted and fought and so on, until we were no more apart of each other's life than a picture on Myspace. But recently, we've come back into each other's life and have been talking and everything we had problems about seems to have come full circle, in that all the conflict has been mended. And so now everyone we all used to hang out with, wants to start hanging out again and up until this point I've been pretty okay with the whole situation, but now I'm not sure and it's got me thinking, what does it take to not just be a friend, but stay a friend?

I'm not sure how I feel about this whole lets be friends again situations because first of all, its like I'm watching my life on repeat over and over. I can't help but to not trust her, or her offer for a renewed friendship. I mean this person especially has quite an extreme tact for lying, when we were close, I watched and even helped her lie to everyone and anyone she came face to face with and although it didn't exactly bother me then, having her out of my life and out of my system for a while really opened up my eyes to the dysfunction that we had.

She's been through a lot in her short life, but I don't think that what you've been through is an excuse for ridiculous behavior. I believe that in every aspect of every day life, you have a choice and it is up to you and only you to decide what do with that choice. That's all life is, one big decision. 

And it's not so much just an issue with this friend, this whole situation has just got me thinking, how do you know when you're still friends because you love each other or because its habitual.

I'm lucky enough to have the same like core group of about 6 people, that I've known and been friends with for the greater part of my life and with that comes a great sense of security. But I've battled with them too and I think because we've all been friends for so long now, that we've done every hurtful thing we could think when we were younger. I can honestly say, that even with the few slightly superficial current issues I have right now, with some of my life long friends, I've never felt more stable or happy in the relationships that we all have. 

I'm not in high school anymore and I'm not looking for anymore high school drama and its such a relief to finally be at a place with my friends where we can talk about anything and we wont set each other off because we finally have some sense of who we are and what we want to become. So with that happiness comes the question, as we grow up and our lives mature, is there any room for new friends or are we just welcoming new drama?

Current Playlist:

Spit and Fire- Rainer Maria

Sunday- Sia

Same Blood- The Academy Is

Fever- Peggy Lee

This Conversation- The Submarines

Somewhere Beyond The Sea- Frank Sinatra

Buried A Lie- Senses Fail

Love Me Like You- The Magic Numbers

Glow- Katy Rose

The Resolution

As and addition slash follow up to my blog on New Year's Resolutions:

I complain about them and try my best to not actually make any, but through the day I still think, this year Im going to dot dot dot.

And I feel like its because we've been conditioned to keep doing that, but as much as I try not too, it seems like I just fall deeper into that particular rabbit hole and then I'm left wondering, if there's ever any real hope for an unconditioned way of life.

Handsssss UP

I want to talk about religion today. Tricky topic I know. But I was recently sent this quote, by Daisaku Ikeda, a very prominent figure in Buddhism for those of you who aren't familiar with it, and it got me thinking about how disconnected I, personally am when it comes to religion. 

I am not a Buddhist, I am not a Christian, I am not Jewish, I am not a Muslim. I have no real religious affiliations. I wouldn't go far enough to call myself an atheist, because I'm not. I believe that there is SOMETHING out there, I'm just not sure what it might be. So I guess if I had to be labeled, I would be an agnostic. But that's where a big bulk of my problem with religious ambiguity lies, I do not want to be labeled. 

I do not want to be lumped into a group that says, this is what we are, this is how we define ourselves, this is what we believe in and this is how we live our lives.

No.

No thank you. 

I have no problem with other people finding religious connections with their gods, and their families and friends and sects and whatever it is they believe in. I am in no way religiously prejudiced, but I still have trouble understanding what faith is. And I know that one can never fully understand any one religious sect unless they are whole heartedly thrust within it. So that's my catch 22, I want to understand without being the middle. I guess you could call me holistic. 

I think that my problem is, I don't trust religion. Because it's become this emphatic... thing, where it seems like everything is predetermined and god this and god that. I don't believe that. And I don't believe in blood shed in the name of someone else, God and human alike. Yes, I am speaking in a ridiculously general sense here but the basic fundamentals don't change.

I don't trust religion, because of the people who call themselves religious. 

It should never be a question of God's Will.

It should always be your will. If your God's are truly as magnificent and glory worthy as everyone makes them sound, then gay people should have the right to be married. A Christian should have the right to marry a Jew. The middle east should be able to sleep soundly for one night and so on and so on. I don't believe that Religion should dictate anything, I believe that it should be there to support you, when you need it, because you want it's help. 

"Religion should bring us together, but it is exploited by some to crete greater schisms among us. Nothing could be more unfortunate. Religion must always be for the people. People do not exist for the sake of religion. This must be the fundamental guideline of the twenty-first century."- Daisaku Ikeda

I am not a Buddhist, but as of my tumultuous 2007 and 2008, I've become very accustomed to its teachings and practices. My mother has become a Buddhist and her best friend, Diane, who I live with has been a Buddhist for 20  or so years. I'm still not a religious person, but I am a very spiritual one, which I think can be done regardless of religious views. The quote above, said by Daisaku Ikeda, really speaks to me. I whole heartedly agree with it. 

I think if I had to be anything, I would be a Buddhist.

But for now, I'll stick with being a curious and eager to learn 19 year old, asking questions like, "When it comes to religion vs. religion, will the war ever end?"

The Scarlett Syndrome

 

Scarlett O'Hara, is probably one of the most iconic figures in history, and the most hated. But I don't care what anyone says, Scarlett is one of my favorite characters and people in history. She's a damsel in distress, she's manipulative, she's scared, she's scary, she's beautiful, she's strong, she's stubborn and she is the emulative woman of the old south. 

She's such a striking character and I think even without Melanie Hamilton by her side to balance out her intense nature, she would still be an amazing figure. I wonder who the Scarlett's of today are and if they take as much as from the original as I do. 

Gone With The Wind is one of my favorite films and I can't help but feel more than connected to Scarlett every time I watch it. I can understand and empathize with her attitude and every decision that she makes. She's as petty as she is determined which is so funny and almost refreshing.

Hmm. 

Current Playlist:

Same Blood- The Academy Is

It's So Noisy At The Circus- Head Like A Kite

Love Me Like You- The Magic Numbers

Lies- Save Ferris

We Are All Colors- Fever Marlene

Hammers And Strings- Jack's Mannequin

We Are The Same Blood

Have you ever been in a situation where you were the other woman, or man or basically just the other?

How many times, have you known love or just a  general relationship to die because of a third parties involvement? Whether it be a secret partner, meddling friends or an overbearing family... how many lines are okay to cross when you're on the outside?

I just had a friend of mine tell me that we couldn't talk anymore, because his girlfriend wasn't okay with it. I hadn't really thought of myself as the other woman, but thinking back, if it had been me as his girlfriend and she as the girl he was texting, I would have felt extremely justified in telling him to say goodbye. 

I knew he had a girlfriend, and although we flirted here and there, it never really seemed relevant to me, because I had no intention to be with him or take him from her. We did talk about sex and I may have crossed a line in one or two situations, but is it the fault of the partner or the other when all is said and done?

Is the line small enough to wear you can only see it in the distance and only if you're using binoculars...or is it thick as a wall positioned directly in front of our eyes. Although we didn't do much more than tease each other here and there, I can't help but feel guilty for talking to him in general. I can't figure out if his girlfriend is justified in wanting him to stop talking to other girls or if she's just insecure.

When it comes to relationships and friends... is there an unwritten rule that says we can only have one or the other?

I Would Like To Climb

New Years Resolutions.

I'm only 19 and I feel like I have lived a thousand years because I hear so many of these, and not just during January but all the year long. I'm curious as to why and how they've become prevalent in modern day society. 

I guess that it's really not that far fetched to assume that the quest for a better sense of perfection is one of the biggest supporters of the New Year's Resolution. 

I've made them before too, but I stopped when I realized I was never, in the entire year making any effort towards actually keeping a resolution. I can't help but wonder if the reason, we have such a hard time keeping them is because  we make it something we have to do instead of something that we want to do. I mean sure, on NYE, everyone says, "This year, I want to do this and this and that that" but its never really an actual drive to want to do something, because its manifested by more of a cultural need. 

I read somewhere that I think over at least 80 percent of New Year's Resolutions begin with "I want to lose weight." This, by now, really shouldn't baffle me, but it honestly does. I can't understand why women and men today feel so inferior to the literal fraction of size zeroes in the world. I've battled with self esteem for a long time and I'm not a size zero, I'm no where near that, and while I've wanted to be thinner, I have never once wanted to look like someone else. I always just wanted to be a better version of myself, which I'm still working on.  People are beautiful, from zeroes to 26's. It's all relative. 

New Year's Resolutions...

Are they here to help us or hurt us?

Current Playlist:

Summerboy- Lady Gaga

Water Of Gods- The Changes

Khemitones- Fever Marlene

Emergency [live]-Paramore

Too Pretty- Simon Wilcox

I Could Be Happy- Altered Images

The Meteor Cycle Society

Hello all!

My first post for Teal and Macaroni.

I'm quite excited about the title and only wish I had something of interest to write about. 

I think my agenda will be to pick a topic and rant and rant and rant! 

good or bad.

I will welcome all feedback, hate or love.

Although, to be honestly, I much prefer love.

I want Teal and Macaroni to be a place of truth.

I want to sing the world a song and have them sing it back to me.

I want to hear what everyone has to say

and I want you to hear me. 

Come in, look around.

Let's talk. 

I'm ready to listen.